Poor Me is a magazine dedicated to people who see themselves as victims. Read the new Trump-Comey edition – their thickest issue to date.
Challenges of being a drama queen in the age of Trump. Experts: “Competition is fierce.”
IN THIS ISSUE:
March against fascism ends with 400,000 fewer deaths than expected Hilary to victims: “poison the wells, scorch the earth”Kathy Griffin: From woke to broke in one easy step top 10 methods to make the world feel guilty and apologize LeBron James needs a day without white people: “No matter how much money I have, I’m still as paranoid as a homeless drug addict”Is everything Trump’s fault? Ask an expert!
EXCLUSIVE – Closed session: Comey, 56, demonstrates on doll where he feared Trump was going to touch him.
Many years ago Nancy Pelosi bravely said, “We have to pass the bill to know what’s in it.” But even after it was passed, no one has ever read the Affordable Care Act in its entirety; it is so large that it has its own gravitational field.
In a dramatic stroke of brilliance and keen journalistic instinct, or perhaps outright laziness, we decided to start from the back. Here’s what we found.
Hospital stays exceeding two days require patient-provided bedpans and light bulbs.Co-pays are now tracked by as a Wall Street investment index.Half off Abortion-Tuesdays at Family Dollar stores everywhere.The term “deductibles” is omitted from the medical lexicon in favor of “insurer’s fair share.”Malpractice lawsuits shall be known as “pulling the ‘ol Okey-Dokey.”A 20% tip automatically added to prescription drug purchases.School lunch programs shall include Soylent Green Fridays.
As a member of the white male hetero Christian class my peoples have been ruling the world far to long. It is only fitting that I and my ilk get a taste of our own medicine and accept our demotion in exchange for the promotion of the victim class. The only thing my peoples can do to alleviate our deserved pains is to sacrifice our place willingly and eagerly. We shall vocally praise the oppressed, admit our sins and accept our lashings. When we are ordered to leave our campuses because of our whiteness we shall do so with a smile. When we are reminded of our privilege we shall accept it with a tear. Equality before the law is not the goal. Lady Justice is not blind, comrade. Her eyes are open and her scales are now tipped accordingly. That is the “Democratic Ideal” for which we now must live.
Early this morning President Trump challenged the nation to discover the true meaning of “covfefe.”
We accepted the challenge and we’re pretty sure we have figured it out.
Just some pictures and headlines:
– Kathy Griffin mistakenly beheads Alec Baldwin in Trump costume; nobody cares.
– Islamic State disavows Kathy Griffin, pleads with her to “chill the f@#& out”
– ISIS Condemns Kathy Griffin For Cultural Appropriation
An academic study from researchers at Brunel University London assessed 171 men, looking at their height, weight, overall physical strength and bicep circumference, along with their views on redistribution of wealth and income inequality. The study, published in the Evolution and Human Behavior journal, found that weaker men were more likely to favor socialist policies than stronger men.
Back when I lived in New York I went shopping for a modern-looking microfiber jacket suitable for cool weather. I visited a dozen boutique stores in Manhattan, trying on a variety of nice-looking jackets. None of them fit me in the chest. Even if I was able to zip them up over my chest, I couldn’t move my arms…
A recently found 1,200-year-old fossil is giving anthropologists new insights into a warrior-like, bipedal masculine human specimen they have identified as Testiculus Englishmanus, a mysterious ancestor of modern-day British men.
The remains were discovered in Wessex, at the site of the historic Battle of Edington (present-day Wiltshire), where in May, 878 AD, patriotic Anglo-Saxons defeated “The Heathen Army” of the Viking invaders, leading to the eventual liberation and unification of England.
The 6 foot-long fossil reveals that the extinct early man of England possessed two large working testicles, which shatters all modern theories about the origins of today’s residents of the British Isles.
The world’s best known dealmaker-turned-president showed that when it comes to real estate, nobody out-negotiates the Trumpster.
The president met briefly with Pope Francis, whom Trump described as a “…very, very nice man. Very hospitable,” before agreeing on a price for the Vatican.
Subjects discussed by the two leaders included the environment, world peace, religious tolerance, and property values.
“After a little going back and forth, I finally asked His Holiness what he wanted for the Vatican. He made an offer, but you know how deals are, he started low and I started high,” Trump told the accredited media shortly afterwards.
Do you hate Donald Trump?
Is your lifelong dream to destroy his presidency? Do you live for nothing else these days?
Are you looking for a flexible job that requires little effort while allowing you to be as outrageous as you want? Do you enjoy throwing stuff at the wall and watching it slide down to the floor leaving a trail of slime?
Then mainstream media outlets, especially the New York Times and Washington Post, would like to offer you a position as an ANONYMOUS SOURCE!
Harvard University has written a new dress code that defines ties, a traditional male dress accessory, as a symbol of oppression, chauvinism, and hate speech. The decision came after a women’s rights group petitioned the school board to ban neckties, claiming that students have been triggered by seeing such a “flamboyant and offensive” micro-aggression carried around even by their own professors.
Immediately after the board’s decision, a mass email was sent to all students and faculty of the new dress code, stating that if the new policy was disobeyed it could bring about “serious consequences” including expulsion.
Komrades, I made this little vid where Ragnar Lothbrok gets a glimpse of his people’s nightmarish future that is 21st century Sweden.
It has no major spoilers from the show “Vikings”.
French PM candidate Emmanuel Macron has proposed a new initiative, the “Fair Redistribution of Terror in Europe Program,” that he hopes will revive his faltering campaign days before France’s voters go the polls.
“It is unfair that France and other enlightened nations that open their borders to Muslim refugees, must suffer the most from Islamic terrorism,” Macron said at a campaign rally on Monday. “As a fair-minded person, I am saddened and outraged that less enlightened nations, especially Poland, who close their borders to Muslim migrants, get to enjoy terror-free existence…
For thousands of years, since the end of the Ice Age, international workers gathered in their caves on May Day to organize, protest, and represent. They sat around bonfires chanting Party-approved slogans and denouncing U.S. imperialism.
Every year the changing Current Truth called for different slogans, which were promptly provided to the masses by this glorious Party Organ. And this year is no different. See the most current, updated, and expanded list of slogans for May Day 2017.
– Make America small again!
A sad day today. The People’s Climate Marches in both Denver and Colorado Springs today had to be cancelled because of snow.
I demand a Congressional investigation. Surely Trump has colluded with the Russians to hack our weather in order to make those of us on the side of Truth, Justice and The Socialist Way look bad.
And to think the Russians used to be our friends…
Winter Blast Putting Climate Protests On Ice In Colorado…
Fearless Girl has gotten a little cocky since she stood up to the Wall Street bull – that symbol of financial optimism and prosperity. So brash in fact that she’s graduated from turning this bull into a steer and now takes her intimidation on the road.
Her search for other icons that she can threaten with her icy stare and bravado is taking her on a world-wide excursion. We’ve captured the best moments in this photo essay as FG traveled the globe.
As the world community senses the looming destruction of our planet by Trump’s imperial knowledge-rejecting regime, scientists all over the globe stand up and say No pasaran!
On April 22, and the battlecry of Earth Day resounding through the canyons of our metropoles, Science will march in the front row!
Physicists – Relentlessly Smash Inequality of Atoms!
Chemists – Boldly create New Matter out of Equalized Atoms!
Mathematicians – Progressive Gender-Awareness NOW!
Climatists – Seize the Rudder in the Glorious March of Science!
MIT Press is out with a new book that teaches children the tenets of Karl Marx with fairy tales.
The little girl’s armpit hair is especially disturbing. I understand it must be a nod to feminism, and far be it from me to dictate rules of body hygiene to any women and their consenting partners.
The reason it’s disturbing is because little girls don’t have armpit hair.
So the book’s authors either have never had children themselves and forgot their own childhood, or they are perverts who fantasize about a world where little girls have armpit hair or where adult women with armpit hair look, dress, and behave like little girls and break things they don’t or won’t understand.
In 1988 we told the world that “We only have ten years left to save the planet.”
In 1989, our wonderful comrades at the United [in Marxism] Nations decreed the same thing.
Then during the 2000 election season our Holy Prophet Who Has Never Been Wrong, Al Gorski (Muslim name: al-goreeza) issued a fatwa that we only had ten years left to save the planet.
Nobody listened. George Bush [spit, spit] won stole the election and the planet’s environmental destruction continued.
So, in 2006, prophet al-goreeza issued another fatwa…
Life is complicated these days, and there’s just so much outrage to absorb your time. You may be like many Americans, and just not sure what you should be outraged about and which side to pick.
But wait no longer! Simply download the free People’s Current Truth App™ and you’ll be officially in the know. Whether it’s Cecil, Harambe, Bush, or Trump, you’ll receive timely updates with clear instructions on…
What to be angry about!
When to feel triggered!
Which side to choose!
When to choose the other side!
How to vent your righteous anger!
Where to go for t-shirts and matching placards!
Soros funding locator!
Progressive social media protest calendaring function!
United Airlines will not be beat, even if you take their seat.
Previously, airlines were required to pay passengers four times their ticket price if they were more than 4 hours late, but United now has a deal beater.
If they need a passenger’s seat, they will simply beat them and drag them from the plane.
This way, they keep costs low for the little people, while kicking the teeth in of uppity, fancy doctors.
Tears of Social Justice Warriors
IVANKA TRUMP BUSINESS SAVVY
Entrepreneurial skills showcased
Now that Ivanka Trump’s perfume has seen a sales explosion due to, of all things, retail outlets removing the brand from their shelves, Ms Trump has been looking to further incorporate irritated liberals in her business strategy.
Retailers did not consider the fact that the vast majority of liberal women don’t enjoy smelling pleasant, so any move related to perfume inventory would go unnoticed by this demographic…
Every year on April First, internationally known as The Current Truth Day, all progressive humanity celebrates the People’s Cube’s glorious anniversary. Twelve years ago today, on April 1, 2005, this Party Organ was launched out of an undisclosed bunker and swiftly rose over the horizon like the red hexahedron-shaped sun of the revolution, bringing the light of Party-approved thought straight out of the Motherland to the toiling masses of the darkened, non-socialist parts of planet Earth.
Comrade hippies at the HealiUm Art Center in Atlanta, GA, have come up with a creative plan to heal our divided nation. Mocking Donald Trump’s book title, The Art of the Deal, they named their project The Art of The Heal, calling everyone who self-identifies as being an artist to create over 100,000 pieces of art to send to the White House by July 4th, 2017: “Gift the collective art to the President with a request to display the gifted art pieces in the White House for public viewing.”
San Francisco, CA — 81 year old Cynthia Cunningham was hospitalized during the early morning hours today after she was found barely conscious in Target department store women’s restroom. The elderly woman fell into a toilet becoming lodged in the public commode when the seat that Cunningham attempted to use was left up.
According to the victim’s family, Cunningham went missing last night after she went into town to buy her grandson a birthday card and a video game. The frail customer with poor eyesight and a weak bladder was recorded on security cameras rushing into the restroom a half-hour before the store closed only to not emerge until EMTs carried her out…
Step right up!
Get your London Edition of Terror Response Bingo here!
To play, keep the card by your computer as you read the news and social media reaction to the attack.
When you see something in the news or on social media that matches something on the card, check it off!
Welcome to the People’s Cube clearing house for all the latest, scandalous, fascist, and Russian outrages of the Trump administration.
What is the latest, breathless, gotta-tell-it-now scandal that defies credulity?
DID YOU KNOW that Neil Gorsuch may have taken his Bar Exam with one shoe untied? Can you believe he’s actually being considered for the Supreme Court?
DID YOU KNOW that Jim Sessions may have worn a WHITE pocket square folded with a POINTY TOP? Yeah, that’s not racist (sarcasm)! And they say Trump…
“A Day Without Sobriety” campaign gains momentum in the Motherland.
Concerned that Russians don’t consume enough alcohol in the month of March, Russia’s Orthodox Church has now made St. Patrick’s Day an official holiday over the country’s enormous territory.
Because the Orthodox Church’s calendar is two weeks behind the Western calendar, the celebration is being scheduled on March 30th, almost two weeks after the drinking has wrapped up in the rest of the world. This means that Russia’s 143 million-strong population will be carousing on the 17th when everyone else does it, and then on the 30th…
In joining the fun of a “Day Without” campaign I am starting a new “Day Without” campaign called “A Day Without a Day Without” campaign.
I know it is hard to imagine living a day without being reminded of the sensitivities and abuses faced by our perpetually aggrieved brethren but I am in desperate need of “A Day Without Guilt.”
After my “A Day Without A Day Without” campaign I am proposing some additional “Day Without” campaigns to fill our annual calendars. Please help me complete our 365 day schedule.
Dear oppressed women and non-women who identify as females!
On this wonderful spring holiday the Party takes a day off from the usual revolutionary struggle in order to celebrate all the international contributions to social justice made by self-identified female-gendered persons and wishes for them to crush their oppressors anywhere they can find them – and get even!
Remember: 50% of the world’s population has 100% of the Y-chromosomes and 91% of the testosterone. #SMASH FASCIST TESTICLES!
We will never have a truly equal society until we can eliminate Penis Envy by eliminating the penis. #All GENITALS BELONG TO THE STATE!
To go along with Disney’s re-envisioning of Beauty and the Beast, and their new show Princes, they’ve also released a new children’s cartoon – perfect for the kids to watch while eating their cereal during Saturday morning prime time.
A hundred years ago (April 6, 1917) America entered World War I. The prevailing media messaging of the time was captured in these war propaganda posters.
Things have changed in the last hundred years, and so has the media messaging. This raises some questions:
Who comes up with this new messaging? Who is the target? What is it aimed to accomplish? And can a nation survive this mindset if it prevails? Could any nation survive it?
Because while the messaging has changed, the world hasn’t…
If today’s New York Times editors had been in charge in 1917 (strumming harp music)…
A likely illegal publication of a private German telegram to culturally diverse Hispanic and Oriental leaders causes rage, Teutophobia among white alt-right U.S. nationalists
The questionably legal publication of a private German telegram has some alt-right conspiracy buffs attributing the worst possible motives to the German government.
The telegram, which legal experts caution may be illegal for citizens to read…
Today’s lesson: how to condescend to minorities and still score liberal points
This photo, initially posted on Reddit, has quickly become viral. An unnamed teacher in Massachusetts, believing that her students were as shocked by Trump’s election as she was, posted these equality-enforcement proclamations on the classroom wall.
It must be very reassuring for “Latino(a)” students to see a daily reminder that they are not rapists or drug dealers. The same goes for Muslim students who supposedly need to be reminded that they are not terrorists in case they forget. Black students are probably expected to feel grateful for being sheltered from certain death that lurks outside; paranoia is always good for morale.
It is the dawn of the Trump era. The deep state, also known as “a state within a state” is in danger of being drained. In Washington, DC, an elite group of career government bureaucrats bands together to issue the squeal of a lifetime.
The sabotage of Trump and his troops serves as the backdrop for the gripping story about self-serving pen pushers who put the entire country’s future on the line to defend their swamp, trough, and the deep state from Trump’s swamp-draining forces.
Despite inconclusive evidence and ignoring the possible ramifications, the deep state orders the attack…
Each February, film fans around the world turn their attention to the Academy Awards called “The Oscars.” But this year is different. “The movies” we so love and cherish have given way to astonishing performances right here on our streets – free of charge! We’ve saturated ourselves with popcorn while watching entertaining “snowflake” routines since Election Day, and it only gets better.
Buy movie tickets? Why! We’ve got free entertainment! We’ve watched more liberal meltdowns on YouTube than movies. We get excited and well… forget the cinema! I’m staying home to watch the liberals!
Comrade Psychiatrist is unhappy with Mr. Trump’s “delusional reformism.”
American progressives have been enamored with many Soviet ideas in their time, trying to transplant them to the U.S. – from government diktat and central planning to academic indoctrination and propaganda through entertainment. And while the Soviet Union has gone the way of the dodo, its glorious socialist legacy is still up for the picking.
One of these unparalleled Soviet achievements is the use of psychiatry to silence dissent and delegitimize political opposition…
The word “haters” is a very loaded term, and a nonsensical one to boot. The left-wing Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC), for example, claims to be the ultimate arbiter of “hate,” “haters,” “hate groups,” and “hate crimes.” This 501(c)(3) nonprofit collects handsome sums of money under the pretext of keeping what they call a hatewatch. At the end of 2016 their endowment stood at $302.8 million. That means they have a direct financial interest in painting a picture of a widespread organized hatred in the United States, which “proves” their importance and scares the donors into parting with even more of their money.
With all the Days of Resistance and Days Without Some Victim Group we’ve had lately, and will continue to have for the next four years—or until He Who Shall Not Be Named Because That Only Legitimizes and Worse, Humanizes Him—is impeached—it’s clear we need to set aside another Day, this one to demand paid leave for protesting. We shall call it the People’s Paid Protest Leave, or PPPL™ for short.
Because this is about People. People who care. People who are fighting fascism. People who want only to take back the democracy that last November 8th was ripped from us as if we were raped—which, in a sense, we were.
Is it just me, or do you also wonder how liberals can possibly function, let alone win elections? This lump in their heads, they refer to it as a mind, is made of absurdities, inconsistencies and contradictions. How is possible to hold so many mutually exclusive beliefs?
The fact is, there’s a method to their insanity and sane people will keep losing to the insane unless they understand what that method is.
Let’s take love and hate. Scientists have discovered that both love and hate originate in the same nervous circuits in the brain.
I’m not sure if this has been picked up in America but our UK press are reporting that President Trump was “bashing” the BBC.
‘Here’s another beauty’: Donald Trump bashes the BBC again in heated back-and-forth with ‘impartial free and fair’ reporter Jon Sopel during bizarre White House press conference
– President said ‘Here’s another beauty’ after asking Jon Sopel where he was from
– North America editor replied ‘It’s a good line’, adding: ‘Impartial, free and fair’
Our correspondent in Belgium, Comrade Minitrue, has sent us a transmission about the growing prominence of the People’s Cube in the European Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (EUSSR) and its glorious capital, Brussels.
In an article describing the ongoing ruthless purge of all right-wing sources and personalities from Wikipedia, a Dutch-language Belgian newspaper, Sceptr [Scepter], describes us as a “right-wing satirical website.” (How far to the left must the comrades in Brussels have gone in order to see our truly Stalinist Party organ as “right-wing”?)
The ever-vigilant Komrad Silverman has done THE PEOPLE a great favor by korrektly identifying markings, disregarded by most wrong-thinking people, as simple utility worker symbols.
They are, in fact, secret and subversive codes of hatred, used by a world-wide conspiracy of fascists, known as the The Utility Workers’ Army, whose hidden agenda is Orange Supremacy.
Thanks to the eagle eye of Sarah Silverman, the secret signs of the Trump Nazi Illuminati have been exposed.
Orange is the new white.
Valentine Day in People’s Cube history
Dating a dictator can be a scary and dangerous endeavor. But it also offers an opportunity to meet the authoritarian oppressor of your dreams, provided that the proper precautions are taken. Whether you are a young starry-eyed Utopian or have been around the eastern bloc for a while, everyone can benefit from these tips and guidelines for safe dictator-dating procedures.
Nordstrom stores – among others – recently stopped carrying Ivanka Trump’s wares. They claim that this decision is not at all politically motivated, but strictly a result of lagging sales. Nordstrom swears their Ivanka Trump dump has nothing to do with a boycott campaign waged by a random marketing consultant, under the hashtag #GrabYourWallet.
The timing that Ivanka’s sales lagged around the same time her father became close to winning the election, which is also when the boycott campaign ramped up, but not a moment before, is purely coincidental.
Armed with a baseball bat and wearing a fashionable rioting unisex ensemble, Flat Antifa is looking for some fascism to smash.
Fascism is anything that Flat Antifa doesn’t understand. It needs to be smashed. Fascists are those who refuse to conform to Flat Antifa’s non-conformism. They need to be smashed.
Flat Antifa obtained these views in his/her extremely expensive school, and is prepared to swing his/her bat at anyone whom Flat Antifa’s extremely progressive professor defines as extremist.
Included on the list of things to smash are gender fascism, sexist fascism, racist fascism, homo-fascism, hetero-fascism, bi-fascism, trans-fascism, adult fascism, and parental fascism.
Help Flat Antifa find more fascism to smash.
Hooters announced today that they are preparing to hire 10,000 Muslim refugee women in a show of support to the immigrant community and in a display of solidarity with other American companies that have offered similar support.
Hooters joins the list of companies such as Starbucks, which has also offered to hire 10,000 refugees instead of veterans or unemployed Americans, as well as AirBNB, which has offered to house these immigrants.
Vladimir Putin deflated footballs used by the New England Patriots – it was revealed today by CNN.
This is the only way that they could have won the Superbowl.
It has been determined that he did it to make Trump’s team victorious. Women and minorities have been hardest hit by this latest defeat.
You may have seen the recent fake news that the Statue of Liberty was originally meant to be a womyn of the Religion of Peace:
ISLAMIC LADY LIBERTY: CBS CLAIMS STATUE OF LIBERTY WAS ORIGINALLY A MUSLIM WOMAN, ACCORDING TO “RESEARCHERS”
No word on whether her clitoris had been removed. All of which is Well and Good. But it only scratches the surface.
Outspoken comedian Sarah Silverman thinks that Trump voters are racist, she said yesterday while wearing blackface makeup to emphasize her point.
Later, after working herself up into some kind of frenzy, Silverman appeared to call for a military coup in a tweet, while protests against Breitbart editor Milo Yiannopoulos turned violent after Soros’ and the DNC’s minions attacked people with shovels and clubs while burning things and breaking windows.
‘WAKE UP & JOIN THE RESISTANCE. ONCE THE MILITARY IS W US FASCISTS GET OVERTHROWN. MAD KING & HIS HANDLERS GO BYE BYE,’ Silverman wrote.
Later she added: ‘We’re all gonna die…
“The carnage perpetrated in the academic torture-chambers of the mind leave students with the following sediment in their brains: existence is a jungle, fear is man’s permanent state, skepticism is the mark of maturity, cynicism is the mark of realism and, above all, the hallmark of an intellectual is the denial of the intellect. These ‘activists’ are so literally the products of modern philosophy that someone should cry to all the university administrations and faculties: ‘Brothers, you asked for it!'”
– Ayn Rand, 1965
Famous Tweets in chronological order:
– Jews for Social Justice & Against Moses
– Pharaoh Seti of Egypt
– King Xerxes of Persia
– King Leonidas of Sparta
– Thomas Jefferson
– King George III
– Abraham Lincoln
– Franz Ferdinand of Austria-Hungary
– Lee Harvey Oswald
– Jimmy Carter
Beyonce has announced today that she is pregnant with two Donald Trump’s babies at once, with experts predicting that this may inadvertently set the tone for the entire Black History Month, which has just begun.
The 35-year-old singer was disappointed that her previous pregnancy photo on Instagram only gathered 6,831,636 likes, 17,000 tweets, and some anemic media coverage at such lame old news organizations as The New York Times, LA Times, US Weekly, Chicago Tribune, and similar media holdouts, with not a single picture or a word about her in places where it really counts – Breitbart, Fox News…
So that the Safe Space Cadets will not be unequal in their kultural wealth, I have created a new, politically-korrekt version of the (in)famous Gadsden Flag (*ptooey*). It will be raised every time there is a call to “arms” (for hugging).
I haven’t quite figured out yet what this flag should be called. The Thinskin Flag? The Hasbeen Flag? This humble Kommisar welcomes the contributions of the most equal masses for the christening dedication of this new…
Reciprocating Trump’s #MuslimBan, the CEO of Starbucks has vowed to start a campaign of discrimination against US citizens by hiring 10,000 Muslim refugees instead of the usual local applicants as baristas.
This, in turn, was immediately reciprocated by a call to #BoycottStarbucks by Trump supporters, who claim that Starbucks is an overhyped watering hole for pompous white Subaru-driving liberals in yoga pants. That is an outrageously divisive statement because it excludes unicyclists and Prius drivers, whose vehicles are equipped with three turn signals: a left turn signal, a right turn signal, and a supersized virtue signal.
There is a chart circulating the internet, showing the numbers of American citizens killed by Middle Easterners since 1975. The purpose of this chart is to persuade us that President Trump is banning people from the wrong countries.
Citizenship from these countries does not equal Muslim. But a travel ban of these countries’ citizens is a ban of all Muslims. We know that no Muslim would kill an American, because Islam is the Religion of Peace. According to this chart, Saudi Arabians are more dangerous than citizens of Iraq, Iran, Syria, Libya, Somalia, Sudan and Yemen. But we don’t really want Saudi Arabians to be banned, because it is a Muslim-majority…
After the tragic loss of life in the Quebec mosque shooting of January the 29th, it warms our hearts to witness the correct response we expect in such situations.
Major news outlets were quick to point out that the current prime suspect, a certain Mr. Buissonette, had serious mental issues and work-related traumas that may have caused him to act irrationally. To stress the “lone wolf” character of this attack, no links were made with other anti-Muslim actions or protests in the past that have no proven connection to this incident. To avoid stigmatising any demographic, prime minister Trudeau did not immediately describe this “event” as terrorism.
Calling out around the world, are you ready for a brand new protest? Trump is here and the time is right for protesting in the street!
Sister comrades, this is a call to arms (as long as they’re covered) to demand freedom and equal rights, to stand up to the illegitimate Trump/Hitler regime, to keep the rights to your body, and to fight against cultural imperialism – by wearing your instrument of resistance – the hijab!
Enclosed in your hijab, you can, in the name of women’s rights, proudly stand up and be a warrior against Trump’s War on Women. Join millions of like-minded women in smashing the patriarchy, achieving freedom from male domination and oppression, fighting for gender-justice, and checking (based on skin tone) your white privilege. It’s simple common sense: the Muslim veil is the only way to find true women’s liberation and equality.
Speaking to Harper’s Bazaar, Madonna described focusing on Trump’s image on the TV screen while casting magic spells as her agent and friend recited verses from the Quran.
“We were doing everything: lighting candles, meditating, praying, offering our lives to God, Allah, Satan, whomever – as long as they would shrink Trump into a hideous little monster and he would lose to Hillary,” said Madonna.
In the end, her mystical witchcraft backfired. Trump defeated Clinton, and Madonna became a hideous little monster instead. Months later the transmogrified celebrity is still struggling to accept what has happened: “It’s like suddenly losing all my money and power, and also being stuck in a nightmare, but I repeat myself.”
This feels like a pilot for an absurdist comedy, or at least a TV skit. Arrested Development comes to mind. The best part is Shia pleading “Be nice, people” and then screaming “f*king Nazis” at the top of his lungs to the people offscreen.
Turns out, they are the police and they soon take him away in handcuffs. He is quite docile at first, but as he is being led offscreen, he gets back into character and starts screaming “f*king Nazis” again.
If Shia sells the rights to this episode, that should probably cover the medical bill from the upcoming month in the rehab.?
It’s only Trump’s second full day on the job, and already he has drawn international criticism: in an executive order signed today, the new president has enrolled all members of ISIS into Obamacare, effective immediately.
Defending his decision, President Trump told reporters, “Look, I know it’s controversial, blah, blah, blah. But to me it’s genius. I’m gonna make ISIS go on Obamacare, and I’m going to make them pay for it. It’s what I campaigned on, and I’m gonna make it happen in the first 100 days.”
In the U.S. Senate, Chuck Schumer rushed to a microphone. “We’re better than this…
Lets blow up the patriarchal government and replace it with a governwomynt!
Attending a Trumphitler protest?
That Guy Fawkes mask is “old hat!” (and a symbol of patriarchal oppression). Don’t be laughed at! Show your comrades just how revolutionary and equal you can be by wearing the latest thing in Protest-wear!
Madonna is more revolutionary, more nasty, more disease-ridden than that old… tired… BORING!, Guy Fawkes poseur!
But just like Guy Fawkes, she too wants to blow up the seat of government!!! Isn’t that cool?!!!
Available now at your local Protest Supplies store. Made in Pakistan. Ask about the special limited-edition with bonus vial of Madonna’s actual menstrual blood.
Iranian actress Taraneh Alidoosti has recently vowed to boycott the Academy Awards ceremony as a protest of Illegitimate President Donald Trump’s illegitimate proposal to illegitimately suspend visas for citizens of some African and Middle Eastern nations.
Alidoosti, who appears in the Oscar-nominated The Salesman, points out that foreign travelers to the United States have a right to come and go as they please without the illegitimate interference of the U.S. government. Her announcement has larger implications: we would be deprived of self-righteous tirades delivered with impeccable style by our betters.
Lawyers for Hillary Clinton today announced that they are initiating legal action against Satan for breach of contract.
They are demanding that he return the soul of Hillary Clinton who was promised the highest office in the land for her soul.
Satan’s representative, George Soros, declared that the promise was made in New York City and that she will have to settle for mayor.
Following yesterday’s Inauguration, half a million American women put on their pink “pussyhats” and marched on Washington, D.C., leaving an estimated 2.5 million starving, meowing cats in their homes completely unattended and deprived of their scheduled mandatory hugs and prolonged belly rubs.
Organized by Planned Parenthood, Council for American-Islamic Relations, the Communist Party, and other progressive movements, American women came to Donald Trump’s doorstep to express their anger, fury, indignation, and outrage over the fact that they can’t name a single right that men have and women don’t.
New lyrics – updated and improved:
That’s great it starts like an earthquake cargo snakes on aeroplane
And Tammy Bruce is not afraid eye of a hurricane listen to the Dems churn
World serves it’s own needs dummies serve your own needs
Feeding off of faux speak grunts no strength
The latter starts to clatter with fear fright down whites
Why’re they on fire representing people’s gains
In a government for hire and a left wing site
Leftists west and dying in a hurry with the people breathing down your neck…
A Trump-hating protester set himself on fire last night outside the Trump International Hotel a few blocks from the White House in Washington, D.C. but failed to kill himself, according to reports.
The as yet unidentified 45-year-old Californian used an unidentified accelerant and a lighter in an unsuccessful attempt to flambe himself for social justice.
It was unclear if the man was insane or simply a very dedicated demonstrator. Given his disinclination to fully combust he is unlikely to have been an Eagle Scout.
A letter to all entertainers performing at Trump’s inauguration: We are the party of love. We’ve told you that over and over again, but you just don’t seem to get it, so we have no other choice but to send you this anonymous death threat. How DARE you reject our love? You JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT WE WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER!!!! You forced our hand and now we must teach you that if you don’t do what we say, that means you don’t love us. And you’re supposed to love us. We are beautiful. We are kind. We are tolerant and inclusive and if you don’t agree with us, you must be silenced! We want to give ourselves to you, body and soul, BUT YOU JUST WON’T SEE IT AND GO OFF WHORING AFTER THAT BITCH!!!!!!
With just over 48 hours left of the Obama Administration, this is your last chance to remember if there is anything you might have done for which you need a pardon.
I’ll go first: My transgression and my cat’s transgression:
Years ago, Dear Leader’s glorious face graced the cover of the magazine Fast Company. I failed to frame it and put it on the wall so I could bow as I walked by. I left it on the couch… and my racist reichwing rethugiKKKan cat got sick all over the picture. Naturally, I mandated the cat to take eight weeks of diversity and sensitivity training…
President Obama awarded himself the prestigious, ‘Distinguished Public Service Medal’ on Wednesday, January 4th, 2017.
During his teary-eyed presentation speech, he referred to himself some 97 times while gloriously expounding on his many accomplishments, performances and outstanding golf games.
Through tears of joy during the acceptance speech, he referred to himself another 163 times expounding upon his many successes and how smart he is.
We breathlessly await more medals of this type to be awarded to Barack Obama.
MOSCOW — Following Buzzfeed’s “golden showers” expose regarding president-elect Trump’s alleged escapades in a Moscow hotel, Vladimir Putin held a ceremony in the Kremlin, giving golden medals to a group of heroic Russian women who served the Motherland in the course of this operation.
“Trump has been organizing beauty pageants, hanging out with beautiful women who had gone through medical examination. Why would he leave them for unvetted females with a lowered sense of social responsibility?” he said. “Unless they are highly trained and thoroughly examined operatives with a heightened sense of social responsibility and patriotism, like this group here.”
Don’t miss this post-election fire sale as the Clinton Foundation closes its doors and lays off its non-unionized employees. Everything & everyone must go!
br /> – All starving Third-World children are half off, barely used.
– Deep discounts on African and Middle Eastern dictators.
– Speaking fees now only $20,000.
– No refunds on pre-election deposits.
– Government influence all sold out.
– Uranium deals by appointment only.
– Now available in all totalitarian states.
A behind the scenes look at how Pee-Gate really happened.
We have long known that right-wing people are better looking, smarter, happier, and even have a better sex life without demanding that the government pays for their contraceptives.
No one knew how to effectively argue that fact, deny it, rationalize it, or turn it into an asset – until now. A groundbreaking scientific research has finally answered the most puzzling question of the Universe: Why would anyone in their right mind ever vote for a right-winger?
As a side effect, scientists also explained that people’s right-wing politics stem from their beauty, talent, ability, strength, and well-being, which also signals…
I raise a tin cup of glorious beet vodka (with a splash of tractor fuel) to the imaginary hookers.
Once again the mainstream media is trickling out details, one drip at a time…But I’m puzzled. People PAY to get their beds wet? I know some folks with pure talent.
This just in: The search for prostitutes who peed on Obama’s bed has been narrowed down to one suspect…
The People’s Cube entry has just been purged from Wikipedia. Congratulations, comrades. We are now officially a non-site populated by non-persons sharing non-thoughts and making non-jokes. It makes me feel right at home, back in the Soviet Union, where an invisible hand obstructed any of my efforts to manifest my existence. How liberating. No visibility means no responsibility. Out of sight, out of mind.
As a linguistic experiment, scientists once had “out of sight, out of mind” translated into Russian and then back into English. The phrase returned as “invisible lunatics.” That’s who we are now. No need to think now, non-people. The Wiki-progs have turned us into invisible lunatics.
Announcing Volume 1 Number 1 of TRUMPIAN HORRORS – the new, hip, retro-pulp fiction magazine for Cis Males, Cis Men, Trans Males, …and Androgynes …who are feeling a little bit on the butch side today.
Each month (or whenever we get around to it — publishing schedules are racist), TRUMPIAN HORRORS will bring you gripping fictionalized accounts (but NOT FAKE NEWS!) of the latest sickening atrocities inflicted upon the the U.S., the world, the Universe, and beyond by The Evil TrumpHitler.
Headline story (and Trigger Warning!) in our premier issue: I WAS FORCED TO SING AT TRUMPS INAUGURATION, the true story of a poor, but talented, single-mother, 1/16th Native American, trans-questioning, Chicago civil servant whom The TrumpHitler implacably forced to compromise her sterling liberal values to croon for The TrumpHitler’s drooling delight while suffering the humiliation of the leering eyes of TrumpHitler’s Deplorables Squads (with assistance by Russian hackers).
Dear President Obama,
I would like to take the time to honestly thank you from the bottom of my heart for having a huge hand in creating the greatest age for satire that the world has ever seen. But aside from that, there is so much more to be thankful for.
I believe that I also speak for countless college-educated people when I say that during the dusk of your presidency we should take the time to list some of the amazing things you have done and to reflect upon them.
When we first saw this headline, we thought it was yet another satirical spoof about Snopes, similar to our own previous exploits: Snopes Co-Founder Embezzles $98,000, Drops Weight, Leaves Fat Wife And Marries Actual Whore
Turns out, this is a true story, fully backed by Daily Mail. But first, let’s step back a little. We’ve had a few spates with Snopes in the past. It was all fun and games when Snopes co-founder David Mikkelson first debunked our story about Rosie O’Donnell getting a tramp stamp with ISIS flag to support Islamic ‘freedom fighters’…
On Wednesday, President Obama added another prestigious medal to his Nobel Prize collection when he had Defense Secretary Ash Carter award him the Department of Defense Medal for Distinguished Public Service.
??If ?this caught you by surprise, you’re not alone. Most Americans had no idea that
the Pentagon ?had such an ?award??.? Additionally, you may not be aware that several countries are ?also expected to ?invite? president ?Obama ?to medal ceremonies in appreciation of his many stellar contributions.
25 years ago George Bush Sr. was still in office, and so was Saddam Hussein. The European Union didn’t exist and neither did China’s economic powerhouse. The Berlin wall had just come down and Germany had finally reunited. Hillary Clinton was a little-known mouthy First Lady of Arkansas and the media gleefully predicted that Donald Trump would never climb back to the top after his Atlantic City fiasco.
On the other side of the Iron Curtain, the Eastern bloc was in shambles, but the USSR was still standing with Mikhail Gorbachev at the helm. The KGB meddled in other countries’ affairs as usual, spreading “fake news” and helping leftist politicians with no objections from the Western media…
The Wikipedia page about the People’s Cube may be purged in a few days and we’ll become a non-site unless we take action.
There is an ongoing Wikipedia discussion / show trial, in which you can vote for or against deleting the People’s Cube for being “unworthy” to grace the pages of Wikipedia. You can add your two kopeks to the discussion here:
Wikipedia:Articles for deletion/The People’s Cube
First the reason for deletion was “confrontational language.” Then it was phony “copyright issues.” Now they question our “noteworthiness.” This is plain harassment and trolling.
In this New Year edition of No News – Good News we are happy to inform our readers that the following things did not occur this year:
– FBI: Santa disclosed naughty list on WikiLeaks, “Helped Trump win election”; Obama expels Rudolph, Prancer, Vixen, and 35 elves in retaliation
– California builds wall to keep out Trump supporters
– Bernie supporters stunned there is no socialist Santa Claus, vow to continue demanding free chocolate cookies, milk
– Washington Post sues Internet for infringing on “fake news” business
– Controversy in the lab: white mold excludes black mold; Harvard biologist blames “Petri dish cultures of hate”
– Scientific News: Long after 1961 burial physicists uncertain Schrodinger is dead
– Sexed-up Mother Russia becomes Milf Russia; Motherland renamed into Milfland on Putin’s orders…
By popular demand, we have made two versions of this design – cute and rebellious – pick whichever feels more “deplorable” to you.